I think (he) was a little bit upset at me for calling and asking him to come home; it was his first night in his philosophy class. I wish I could handle these things better, but I am just a wreck…
They have all been “sick” for a while now. This time it’s a cough. We hardly ever go to the doctor and we pretty much know the routine. Rotate Tylenol and Motrin, drink lots of fluids, call us back if it persists for more than a few days or gets worse. There are rarely any good answers and never much that can actually be done. Plus, we typically opt out of most meds and shots anyway. Most of them seem to be getting better and haven’t had any elevated temperatures. Nev and the baby were the last to catch the bug. It came on slowly for our three month old and at first it was just a small cough. Then late one night the coughing wouldn’t stop. The only thing I could do to calm her was to nurse and cuddle her (which I didn’t mind so much). The next morning she was again her smiley little self. But then at some point today she started the persistent coughing again and spiked a fever. I had her resting right by me while (he) was at class when I noticed that both of her eyes were all goopy and she really didn’t look to good. Sure enough, she was pretty warm again. I nursed her first and then took her up to try and get some Tylenol in her between the coughing that had started up again, but it got so bad that she just kept throwing up. It kept getting worse from there, and the next thing I knew she wasn’t breathing. I’m sure it was only a few seconds but it felt like FOREVER and when it happened a second time I started to freak out. Tears were streaming, I was asking God to heal her, and I just paced the house with her clenched in my arms. Her breathing was not steady and I was really scared. So I called (him).
I can’t handle it on my own. I hate when my kids are in pain. I can’t deal with scary situations like serious injuries and sickness. It’s always been that way. I used to work in the medical field and I loved the rush of the ER. I have sutured open head wounds and seen all sorts of serious injuries and illnesses. But when it comes to my own kids I become an emotional wreck and (he) pretty much has to take over for me.
(He) came home and I put her in her car seat and watched them drive away. “Take some time and pray” (he) said.
First, I called and canceled with a friend for tomorrow and then I frantically made myself a cup of hot cocoa and accidently spilled water on my phone, and now it isn’t working. I finally sat down to pray. During that time I thought a bit about why I go into freak out mode and it became pretty clear to me that it’s because I don’t trust God with my kids. There are lots of things that I think I have great faith about, and I might have even said that my kids were one of them… but I really struggle to hand them over. I love them SO much that my desire is to be in control of every little thing so that I can protect them and save them, and when something happens that is out of my control I can’t handle it. I know it’s OK to be scared, but I want to be able to be calm too. To have peace. And that will only come from trusting the Lord.