Despite myself

Those moments when I am so disgusted by my flesh… He is faithful and merciful to bless…
I don’t want to be the person that God literally has to smack in the head, but so often that’s exactly what it takes for me to slow down and listen to what He’s been trying to say…

Thursday went nothing like I had planned. My first meeting was to begin as soon as I could get out the door… I was babysitting that day, I had my next appointment at ten while I scheduled another commitment simultaneously. Then we’d have lunch and after lunch I had a meeting at two. That would last till I needed to prepare dinner and then I had a viewing that evening and one last meeting at seven forty-five.

The first thing God did was to show me that I could plan all I wanted, but that His plans were better. And as my first meeting was canceled and the day unraveled… God had a meeting for us that we did not suspect, a reunion of sorts that lasted nearly an hour in my busy day… And that was way more fruitful than anything I could have conjured up. My next appointment was late. And when I tried to leave for my viewing my truck wouldn’t start. I hopped hurriedly into Stephen’s and drove off. I waited about twenty minutes before returning home after failed attempts to reach my client who never showed up. After jumping my truck Stephen took it for a drive during my seven forty-five affair… one of the guys had to leave and meet Stephen in the Target parking lot where the battery died again. They tried, and failed, and later in the evening Stephen and I left Brice by the phone… I left barefoot and without my purse… and we sat in the Target parking lot charging my truck. It was taking forever. Every turn of the key produced nothing more than a pitiful clicking. And as I sat there… with no where to go… I began to really reflect on my day. And I began to pray.

I heard Him very clearly, “You are going too fast.”

Had I slowed down at any point in my day… Had I sought Him when the truck didn’t start the first time. Had I realized when my client didn’t show up… who it is that ordains all things…

Stephen walked over to my window and asked me if I had prayed. And then he began to pray. He prayed that the Lord would start the car… unless… He had something better for us. And as Stephen walked back to my truck I asked the Lord to clearly show us what it is he is trying to say…

That very next turn of the key, the engine roared, and I plopped right back into the drivers seat of my comfy familiar truck…

It wasn’t a minute later that as I drove through the parking lot I began to think about all the things I needed to get done. I need to write an email, and I have images to edit, I should call Stephen and have him pick me up some caffieene after all, I need to text my friend that really important thing…

Smack.

The next thing I knew, the air bag was in my face and my door was jammed so I climbed out the window and stumbled in a daze around the car to the passengers side flung open the door and scurried for my phone.

At first, I couldn’t really recall what had happened. My mind had been in a zillion places…

But as my friend prayed for me over the phone, she said the words “only God knows what happened” and there began the battle within…

How could I admit my folly. What would people think. What would Stephen say.

It took what felt like forever to admit that I was on my phone. And when I did, I used words like I think to describe the circumstances. I rationalized my actions in the most beautiful light. But it didn’t sit well. No matter how humbling or humiliating, I do not want to be a person that lies to keep up appearances.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

I was texting. Not sixty seconds after the Lord had told me that I was going to fast, I was driving and I was texting, because it could not wait.

He is soverign.

It is no “accident” that we would get the car to start only to smack it into a gigantic concrete pole in a huge empty parking lot behind the Target shopping center. Because, since I’m being honest… It’s not the first time that I had been texting and driving… and He has undeniably saved me from wreckage in the past.

He definitely made Himself clear to me. And because He is a God full of mercy and grace… despite my recklessness… this tragedy has been a great blessing.

As He has moved our desires toward Himself we have been striving to seek diligently after His will for our finances. In our preparation to go we have been burdened by our debt and have made great strides toward paying it all off. My truck was costing us four hundred dollars every month, and we had recently begun to wonder how we might get out of that debt. I was seriously about to post it on Craigslist. Stephen was unsure, seeing as we had only owned it for just under two years. But I figured that if God gave us the burden for not having that debt, He would provide a way…

And He did.

USAA determined the truck a total loss. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a blessing from God. To have hit a pole late in the the evening (without the kids in the car) in a huge empty parking lot while coming out of a turn in which I was going about 15 miles per hour in a parking lot that I drive through all. the. time…

He is soverign.

The payout on our truck covers the loan in it’s entirety with just under $2000 to spare. I’ve been searching Craigslist trying to find a replacement… but the size of vehicle we are looking for hasn’t yet popped up in our price range.

Look at what God has done. I have no doubt that He will provide. We will not be financing another vehicle. We will wait for His provision… because we know His goodness. We might not know when, or understand how, but we clearly see His workings in our lives and we know that He will provide a way. The question… is can we be content until He does… can we trust His timing… can we slow down enough to hear Him.

Published by Tiffanie Lloyd

I am a detail-oriented and energetic multi-tasker traveling at the side of my best friend, and momma to eight amazing kids. God has gifted me with creativity; I'm an entrepreneur, writer, and photographer with a passion for women's health, particularity in childbirth. I own a Cafe and Community Center in Kathmandu, Nepal where I teach Parenting and Childbirth Education. I'm also a Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, and Holistic Nutritionist. Thanks for stoping by! Be sure to check out my archives, and sign up for notifications about new posts!

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